OMG it's August already!

Do you know what? I think I've been in some sort of grayish funk brainwise. I literally had no idea that it was August! I know to some it's easy to lose track of time and dates but I really have no excuse because on most days I actually need to write the date down in my order book!

Upon the realisation that it is indeed August, I am now in panic mode! ARGH! In some dark part of mt brain I kept thinking I have at least 6 months to choose and prepare L for school. What sort of parent am I?

Granted, I do have the school picked out. Phew! But I still haven't lodged the paperwork that is needed to get a cognitive assesment etc etc Oh no! I'd just sort of um....left it.... because I figured that if I left it somehow overnight L would wake up and the issues of Autism would be gone. That being said, the hardest part of what I would have to do is choose which one of the swanky private schools I would be sending L to.

Reality check mummy! It aint gonna happen. not this year anyway. I've made the decision not to mainstream L for his first year in prep. I figure prep is hard enough on a child without having to learn the rules for 2 different schools and get used to numerous sets of teachers and kids.So special ed school it is for us! The school looks lovely BTW and I am actually really pleased that he'll be going there. (plus secretly the word 'inclusion" used at a lot of mainstream schools is just a bullshit word. There's no 'inclusion' at all. It's more a case of we'll take your childs funding and give you stuff all in return).

DH and I got to tour the school we've chosen a few months ago and I just fell in love with it and the kids that were there. I know all kids are special.........but these kids....WOW....they just take your breath away.

The parents of special needs kids are a whole lot diffeent too. Everybody 'gets it'. We may not know the particulars of a childs disability but there is a common ground of understanding and appreciation amongst us. You only have to say to a mum of special needs kids that you've 'had a bad day' and she gets it! You don't need to go into details. She understands!

Anyway, I digress - back to the paperwork issue. Must - lodge- next- week!

Someone remind me? please?

Grief - mummy guilt

People normally associate 'grief' with death. The loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship and I guess I would have fallen into this category before I had L. Having a pregnancy end prematurely does give you a sense of grief. You feel like a failure as a mother. I mean, for a start pregnancy is a perfectly natural event... right? A god given right. It's those motherly instincts that set in the very moment you find out you are pregnant. No late nights, cut out the alcohol, no painkillers, cutting out the sushi....the list is endless. You are going to do this right!

Delivering a baby prematurely is a shock. Not only does you body go into shock, but your mind does too. It gets an overload. How on earth can you get a pregnancy wrong when you are so strict about the care you take of yourself? Suddenly you are thrust into the world of Neonatal Instensive Care (NICU). It's a horrible place to spend any amount of time. For us that time amounted to almost 11 weeks. It wasn't until I was home that I began to grieve for my 'lost' pregnancy. Here I was bringing an 11 week old baby home and he shouldn't have even born yet. The 'congratulations' were few and far between. Nobody brought gifts. It's a surreal experience.

Fast forward on and tune into our son's pyschology evaluation in September 2005. I get the news "Autism". The months after this diagnosis were horrible because I felt grief that was unimaginable. I grieved for the little boy who may never talk, the little boy who may always feel like an outsider in his peer group, the little boy who might always be picked last because he was 'different', the little boy who for now was cute playing with his cars - would that be as cute when he was 20?.

I grieved for my lost boy and also for myself. Suddenly instead of just being a mother - I had the label 'carer' thrust upon me. Absolutely everything I do now is focussed around my son. I left my job working in family law to work in lower paid sales positions because the hours were flexible. I gave up my university degree in Criminology to pour over books on autism. I gave up friends, long lunches and late nights for nappy changes on a 5 year old, autism playgroups and meetings with therapists. The saving grace for me is that my son is a gift......and I love him to death.

But still I grieve - grieve because Autism not only stole my son away from me..................it stole my life as well.

So why is it?

That when you make a decision that's uteerly life changing, nagging doubts surface? I doubt myself on the big decisions and I think that's in part because I have lost confidence.

I told a good friend about my decision to leave my DH and she urged me to think about some counselling. She is also an ASD mum and knows the stresses and strains of raising a child with special needs. She says that the counselling saved their marriage and refocussed them back into a 'relationship'.

I don't know if I want that - although in itself sometimes counselling is good to actually point out the reasons you SHOULDN'T be together. I do believe though that people don't really change. Not for the long term anyway. We are what we are. It takes a really strong and committed person to make those life long decisions and I think that despite good intentions people ultimately fall back into what they know.

Even if I take away the ASD stuff, I don't see a future with DH. Looking into your future.....wow....there's a depressing thought for me! I've distanced myself from all my friends, don't have 'work' collegues and my family is all over the place. The house I will be able to afford...sigh...it's just as well I'm handy with a paint brush.

There are so many aspects of this I don't want - and yet the alternative to stay in a relationship that's stagnant and stale - not appetising either.

Oh well...................enough lamenting! Time for a glass of red wine and maybe a dvd.

Difficult Decisions

Let me start right off by saying I am the world's worst decision maker. I either jump right on in or procrastinate to the nth degree. Neither is working for me ;)

I have come to a decision these past few weeks that needs to come into force sooner rather than later.

That is..........I am going to leave my relationship of almost 8 years. There are no tales of sorid affairs, vicious arguments or anything of the sort. I can't even say 'we grew apart' because I really don't think we had 'it' to begin with.

What we have is a tale of two people who really stayed together because they had no-one else. Throw in a child with a disability and you have the ingredients that will make you stay far longer than if you didn't.

Our son is 5 and has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He won't understand any of this 'adult stuff' - infact it's hard to say whether the change will affect him at all.

So here I am 39 years of age - about to be single (again). Clearly I'm not good at this marriage/relationship stuff. Or maybe I'm sick of being a doormat. I don't quite know yet.

I'm scared of the change.......but I'm going to do it anyway.