Grief - mummy guilt

People normally associate 'grief' with death. The loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship and I guess I would have fallen into this category before I had L. Having a pregnancy end prematurely does give you a sense of grief. You feel like a failure as a mother. I mean, for a start pregnancy is a perfectly natural event... right? A god given right. It's those motherly instincts that set in the very moment you find out you are pregnant. No late nights, cut out the alcohol, no painkillers, cutting out the sushi....the list is endless. You are going to do this right!

Delivering a baby prematurely is a shock. Not only does you body go into shock, but your mind does too. It gets an overload. How on earth can you get a pregnancy wrong when you are so strict about the care you take of yourself? Suddenly you are thrust into the world of Neonatal Instensive Care (NICU). It's a horrible place to spend any amount of time. For us that time amounted to almost 11 weeks. It wasn't until I was home that I began to grieve for my 'lost' pregnancy. Here I was bringing an 11 week old baby home and he shouldn't have even born yet. The 'congratulations' were few and far between. Nobody brought gifts. It's a surreal experience.

Fast forward on and tune into our son's pyschology evaluation in September 2005. I get the news "Autism". The months after this diagnosis were horrible because I felt grief that was unimaginable. I grieved for the little boy who may never talk, the little boy who may always feel like an outsider in his peer group, the little boy who might always be picked last because he was 'different', the little boy who for now was cute playing with his cars - would that be as cute when he was 20?.

I grieved for my lost boy and also for myself. Suddenly instead of just being a mother - I had the label 'carer' thrust upon me. Absolutely everything I do now is focussed around my son. I left my job working in family law to work in lower paid sales positions because the hours were flexible. I gave up my university degree in Criminology to pour over books on autism. I gave up friends, long lunches and late nights for nappy changes on a 5 year old, autism playgroups and meetings with therapists. The saving grace for me is that my son is a gift......and I love him to death.

But still I grieve - grieve because Autism not only stole my son away from me..................it stole my life as well.