Divorce......at what price?

A good friend of mine whom I have known for about 15 years came to me recently for some marital advice. A bit ironic because I'm not too good in the marriage/relationship area myself - but heck - I'm never one to turn down a chance to talk (or give advice) (sad I know!)

Having worked in the area of family law for a while, and living in a relatively small town (280,000), you get to know who are the good lawyers and who are not. I gave him the names of 4 lawyers, all of whom I know their work. Good ethical lawyers who will try to resolve the issues at hand in a reasonable amount of time. Sadly not all lawyers live by that creed - most do but as in any industry there are sharks.

He then asked me for some advice - he really hadn't been involved with lawyers at all and let's face it - most people haven't. And lawyers can be pretty scary people at first. I should know. I worked for them and I'm in a relationship with one.

So here it is:-

1. Leave emotion at the door. The more you look at your situation as a means to an end the better off (emotionally and financially) you'll be.

2. Stop trying to punish your ex. You really and truly want revenge? (you do don't do?).
Live your life well. That will be the best revenge you will ever have.

3. Do not drag your kids into the divorce. IMHO this is a form of child abuse. There's no excuse for slanging down the mother/father of your children EVER. Even the youngest of children internalises a divorce and it changes them. Ask any adult who was the product of a nasty divorce as a child what it did to their perception on relationships.

4. Be reasonable (and smart). Don't get into lengthy negotiations over stupid things like toasters, t.v's, garden settings. Let them have that old stuff and with the money you save not fighting it through your lawyers - you can go out and buy some new stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff!

5. Your lawyer is not your friend. You are paying them to give you legal advice. If you want someone to give you sympathy about the amount of time you spent planting that garden or the amount of times you sat home alone, or how this isn't fair - call a friend. Buy them dinner and pour out your woes - it's much cheaper.

6. Don't start dating. The worst time to start a new relationship is when you actually haven't finished with the old one. Believe me, you have issues (or you wouldn't be going through a divorce).

7. Don't befriend your ex on facebook/MSN/(insert networking site here). Same goes for their family. Bad move.

8. And don't slag them off on it either. Word travels.

9. Be aware that sometimes the law is not about what you can (or want) to prove. It's about getting the best possible outcome for both parties. It might seem that it isn't right or isn't fair (and sometimes it isn't) but the law is about getting the best possible outcome in what is a shitty situation.

10. Life does go on. And once you get over those first "firsts' (Easter, birthday, mother's day, father's day, Christmas) it does get easier.

oh....and here's a little divorce blog I like to read http://themarriagemaven.blogspot.com/ She's in the U.S and I'm in Australia and our laws differ somewhat - but heck if you feel like a light read - she's got some good advice.

edited to add one more thing:- Please don't punish the grandparents. Your ex might be a dweeb but his/her parents still have grandchildren that they love. And having those extra people around who love you no matter what isn't a bad thing is it?