So today I got thinking

I am approaching 40. Yup the BIG Four Oh!

Crap.

In my 20's I pictured my 40's being a time of sheer indulgence. My kids would be approaching their own 20's, i would be cashed up and my DH and I would still be young enough to travel. And I'd still look good ;o)

Reality is the person I thought I'd be spending my later years with is gone. Not dead gone, but gone. Our marriage of 10 years a mere memory these days. My thoughts of being "cashed up' are gone too. 10 years post divorce and 2 kids to raise has eaten up my savings.

Moving along.......as a new partner and a new baby.....looking good right? A new start?

Throw in a premature birth, a diagnosis of Autism, two other children to raise and you can kiss any chance of cashing yourself up goodbye. Add a blended family into the mix and Hello - Jackpot.

I LOVE all my children dearly. They are great kids and I'm so very proud of each and every one of them.

But the stresses of what we have been through these past 6 years have taken their toll on my health and my looks. The old woman I look at in the mirror doesn't need to wonder where that wistful 20 year old went. She died. She died in all the crap that has become her life.

And I hate her. I hate that youthful 20 something for wanting and I hate the almost 40 something for knowing she can't have it. That old bitter face I look at so much has become a symbol of failure and of sadness and of regret. I hate looking at myself so much I have only 1 mirror in my home and it's in the bathroom. I haven't even looked at myself in a full length mirror for as long as I can remember. I can't remember the last time I felt good (or looked good).

My 40's will be a long way short of the dreams I had in my 20's.